Morgan's Recovery Journey

“I’m one who’s been in & out of the program since I was 18. But not truly “in” the program. I never did the work. Most of the time I just showed up, leaving my open mind & willingness at the door.”

Hey y’all. I’m Morgan (More/Again). I’m an addict. Whether it be drugs or alcohol. Hell I’ll even abuse laundry detergent. Small load? 3 heaping cups of Tide outta do it. Am I right? I’m one who’s been in & out of the program since I was 18. But not truly “in” the program. I never did the work. Most of the time I just showed up, leaving my open mind & willingness at the door. I did have 7 years with my beloved husband, we built a beautiful life together clean & sober, a life I would’ve never thought possible. Thankfully my husband had enough faith for both of us at the time & pushed when I would’ve pulled. After 7 years, we stopped going to church, counseling, meetings etc., In our minds we had “made it”.

Then, when a major change came along we had lost sight of our basic needs as recovering addicts- tried saving our world all by ourselves. Needless to say, we relapsed, lost everything & soon my husband lost his life as well. December 27th, 2017 this disease claimed my dear husband of 10 years- I had no idea who I was & the woman he had married was long gone as well, so, I ran. No purpose. No hope. Waiting and wishing my life to be claimed as well. SO, “I was running” Forrest Gump. And then about 2 years ago, I was forced by my Probation Officer to go to treatment. I couldn’t provide a clean urine to save my life. So off to rehab (AGAIN) I went.

I was so tired of being a slave to my addiction, so sick of having my life controlled by one authority or another so I finally gave in and took the advice that had so long been given to me. Instead of running back to my old environment, when my time was up I chose to follow AFTERCARE instructions.(although everything in body screamed not to), I went to an all women’s halfway house (Graniteville House of Recovery in Sweet Valley, PA). I may have been a step or two further with my willingness BUT there was 1 piece of advice I continued to ignore…. I was still hanging on to a super toxic relationship.

The time came when I told myself, I don’t ‘need’ to be here. So, after very little consideration for myself & my future- I ran off with my ‘significant other’ & relapsed within 24hrs. The decision ate away at me instantly. I was devastated. Everything in my entire body & soul told me I had made a mistake & to run like heck back to where I came from. But the trusty ole shame game kept me in that horrible situation, bouncing around hotel to hotel- never being able to get high enough to feel good. Dread & shame overwhelmed my every waking moment. I could not escape my latest mistake. I was out there for a few weeks (seeming like an eternity) before finally swallowing my pride & asking Graniteville if I could come back. Surprise! It was the easiest call I’ve ever made & I had wasted weeks avoiding it. I went back the next day & SURRENDERED.

Now, to re-establish I had to redo all my doctors appointments- completely routine- not a care in the world, & that is when the doc sat me down and told me that I was pregnant. I laughed. I was certain I couldn’t conceive. I was dang near 40 and still no children. They rechecked and by the grace of God it was accurate. I was with child. I couldn’t be happier and/or more terrified. It took everything in my being to remain open & willing…to all the new ideas & doing things differently- no matter how uncomfortable it made me feel, I was all in. Prayed that God would help me surrender daily and not get in my own way. People think, oh you’re pregnant, you have no choice but to stay clean. WRONG. There is still a choice to be made every single day. Logic and reason hold no ground as far as an addict sick with obsession is concerned. The work is just as hard & consequences all the more detrimental. But when have consequences cured us of our bad decision making? Just saying.

While many in the house were desperate for a quick finish- I did everything in my power to stay. I was safe there with my sisters, my mentors- women who genuinely wanted the best for me. I knew if I was safe from myself- the baby girl I carried would come into this world happy & healthy with a happy healthy mom to boot. Eventually doing things differently became habit & the more comfortable I felt. The more uncomfortable the idea of running became. I was standing on my own 2 feet with a support network hand selected by God Himself. Working a job I loved and saving stacks in the process. That’s right- not just a checking account - but SAVINGS, y’all. Holla! I felt incredible. God & I were tight. He was present in every move I made. And I was as close to inner peace than I had ever been.

Change would come again & sadly, I did not handle it admirably. I went back to old people & places and in a way, given up. Isolated from any & all people related to recovery. And my daily talks with God became only the occasional foxhole prayer. Sure, I would stay in today, but stayed STUCK in it. Knowing that chaos and destruction were imminent, I finally reached out. I made the calls I had avoided for so long (wasting so much precious time) & what do ya know- I was welcomed back with open arms by an incredible community.

The recovery church in Sunbury feels more family than most blood relatives. I feel the warmth & safety of God Himself radiating through the people there. Instantly all the problems I had been having- I now had solutions. I wish I had something more profound to say y’all. All I can say for sure is we cannot do this alone! Please, don’t waste precious time like I did. And remember that shame & guilt will keep you sick. God doesn’t want that for us. No need to spend one more day punishing ourselves and in turn our families too. Get connected. Speak out. Ask for help. I promise you won’t be disappointed. Respect & love.